For the uncrafty, March is more about green beer

craftsYou GUYS, March is National Craft Month! It’s time to roam the aisles of Hobby Lobby looking for stuff to cut out, hot glue, toll paint, shellac, stuff with potpourri and stick on a shelf.

You may sense some sarcasm, particularly if we’ve become acquainted any time in the past decade.

You may know I wear mostly black, khaki or grey, because with so much going on I get overwhelmed by choices. That’s not an indicator of someone with a lot of bandwidth for crafts. I once had most of our house painted in colors the painter picked out based on what more creative people were having him do. I now can proudly say that my walls resemble those of some of the most stylish homes in the ‘burbs.

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Closed doors | happy mom

Beths_phone 151I have long been of the opinion that kids should be able to keep their rooms the way they want. Or maybe it’s just that I rarely feel like cleaning up their space, nor do I feel inclined to yell them into cleaning it themselves. There’s enough other stuff to yell about during a normal day. I tell the kids as long as they don’t keep dirty dishes or stray cats in their rooms, and there’s a clear escape path in case of fire, we’re good.

I close doors. That’s how I cope.

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You’re welcome, parents.

For my birthday I wanna maim and destroy, mom. Okay baby.
For my birthday, mom, I wanna maim and destroy. Okay, how about some cake too?

A message to my fellow bumbling parents: you are totally welcome.

I know. You were prepared to hate my guts when your kid brought home a brightly colored, hand-written thank you note from my kid. How dare she browbeat her child into saying thank you in writing, you thought. And top it all off with an adorable photo of all the boys at the party? The nerve.

Hold your scorn, people, as well as any unnecessary urge you might have to reciprocate the next time your kid receives a birthday gift from my kid. I am hereby releasing you from doing so, unless you would have done so anyway. My actions were not an effort to show you up in any way.

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The Devil and David Sedaris

When I was twelve years old, I snuck a copy of The Amityville Horror to my room and read the whole thing in a day. Then I couldn’t sleep.

I love ghost stories. And then I hate them. That night I woke up and left my room with the intention of going upstairs to sleep on the couch, where I would… I don’t know … get a heads up earlier if something supernatural was going on.

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A Mediocre Mom’s Cookie-Making Method

I swear, this photo was not staged.
I swear, this photo was not staged.

First, soften a cup of butter. Because somebody said on a cooking show once that using melted butter instead of softened butter makes for harder cookies, avoid melting the butter in the microwave. Instead put two sticks of butter in a large bowl and set aside until it’s softened. This step should only take a couple of hours.

Two days later cover up the butter and put it back in the fridge when you realize you don’t have any eggs … or time to make cookies.

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