You cannot have my flan and other 2015 resolutions

Don't even ask
Don’t even ask

I will rejoice in the fact that the gym is crowded this time of year, and not use my elbows to clear a path to class. I will be happy everyone has resolved to get/stay in shape and support that commitment. Even if it only lasts until February. Even if they door ding my car in the parking lot.

I will not fall for click bait. If I have to click more than once to read the whole story, or see a picture, or discover what the child star looks like now, I’m closing the window. Basta baby. I have more productive things to do with my time.

Like make lists of resolutions.

I will buy softer toilet paper. Because that’s classy. And my backside is worth the extra money.

I will not share my flan. I don’t eat a lot of flan, and when I do, no one ever asks for a bite. That’s good, because they can’t have any anyway.

I’m going to feng shui the crap out of my house. Or at least get rid of the clutter. Or if I get around to nothing else, I may sort out my shoes.

I will not kick any puppies. I never have. Not going to start. You cannot make me. Nope.

I will send more snail mail. It’s good karma. I love buying interesting or funny cards, but never get around to sending them. I have a birthday card for my friend’s son’s first birthday in a box in the cupboard. I’m going to send it to him straightaway.

Right after I get his college address.

I will not trust spell check to discern the difference between commit and comet, dessert and desert, compliment and complement. It has let me down before and it’ll do so again. I’m too lazy to have anyone read my stuff, so I’m just going to have to stop using these words.

I’m going to stop procrastinating by writing blogs instead of the two books I’ve been working on for years.

Just kidding. I love my blog.

And I might share my flan.

And instead of feng shui-ing my house, I might just buy a book about it and use words like chi and bagua.

Happy New Year!


Resolve to do something good for yourself right now. Right after you vote. Thanks.



Photo by: Evan Bench

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  1. I wish other people would make similar resolutions not to use words they can\’t discern between, especially those who don\’t know when to use then and than. It would make me a better person, because I wouldn\’t think unkind thoughts about them and then feel guilty for thinking them. (See, I used then correctly there.)

    You should absolutely feng shui your house and use Chinese terms in your everyday speech. It\’ll make you even cooler.

    Have a fabulous New Year, Beth!

    1. Here here on the vocabulary. Oh, and I was half serious about the feng shui thing. Had a long conversation about it with an aficionado last night, and now I\’m a believer!