Woke him by barging into his room first thing in the morning to make sure he wasn’t dead after his alarm had been blaring for ten solid minutes

Barged in again when there was no further sign of movement for another twenty minutes  …

… while busting out a refrain from The Sound of Music

Reminded him that it was approaching 7am, and that (in a dramatic, movie trailer voice) the bus waits for no man

Suggested he change into clean clothes

Clarified that by “clean” I usually mean “clothes that don’t look like you’ve slept in them”

“….or like they’ve been balled up in pile in the corner”

Inscribed his lunch bag with our pet name for him

Insisted that, yes, “smootchy face” has always been our pet name for him, he just must not have been paying attention

Responded WHO is this, and why do you keep bothering me? to his text about forgetting his math book

Responded with seven smiley poop emojis when he insisted I cut it out

Met him at the door after school with his math book and a smile

Chortled when he said something about spending his money on a car he saw on Craigslist

Wondered if that money could be better spent paying us back for the one he wrecked

Called him to dinner

Called him to dinner (again)

Called him to dinner in my mama-won-grand-prize-at-the-state-fair-for-hog-calling voice

Responded to his query about dinner in a less than satisfactory manner (i.e. that he’d know what was for dinner by now if he’d started heading out to the dining room upon our original request)

Served up a home cooked meal that looked less like something from Taco Bell than he’d hoped

Suggested he do the dinner dishes before the dawn of the next millennium

Received and read an email from his teacher

Passed said email along to the person who is apparently becoming laid back about turning in homework

Suggested said teacher was perfectly within his rights to be concerned about someone missing three assignments in a row

Suggested he lay off the Netflix and/or Minecraft long enough to catch up in his classes

Suggested the suggestion about Netflix and/or Minecraft was less than a suggestion and more of a directive

Offered to help reduce distractions by removing all electronic apparatus from the immediate vicinity

Laughed in a sinister voice while rubbing hands together when he drew parallels between our home and North Korea

Asked him to practice the instrument for which we pay good money for lessons

Reminded him he promised he would practice without being reminded

Refuted his assertion that he was actually already practicing by virtue of the fact that (a) nobody had heard any actual music coming out of his room by that time, and (b) said instrument is very difficult, if not impossible, to play while still in its case, and (c) what he appeared to be doing was something involving his phone, for which we also pay, supposedly in exchange for dinner dish-washing and daily practice without a bajillion reminders

While in his doorway, wondered if such a phenomenon as a micro-burst tornado was even possible, since one had apparently touched down recently in his room

Offered to share his story about his fluke micro-burst bedroom tornado on social media, and offered opinions on whether it would go viral

Deliberately misused the term “viral,” in favor of “gets all virus-y, yo, like cray-cray”

Made a upside-down V gangsta sign when I said “yo”

Asked whom he is texting while he’s supposed to be practicing

Made kissy noises when he said the name of a girl

Offered him a ride to the school dance this weekend

Wondered aloud if more parent volunteers were needed at the school dance

Wondered aloud if the school dance would be an appropriate reason for which to break out those new t-shirts we had made with his photo inside the shape of a heart

Insisted we actually had t-shirts made with his photo on them for just such an occassion

Insisted on seventeen smootches and an overly long hug before sending him to bed with the promise of more Von Trapp Family brilliance the following morning

Suggested an earlier bedtime might help him get up earlier, negating the need for the Von Trapps

….. The preceding has been brought to you by random combinations of two teen boys and two sarcastic parents over a span of a day or two. Feel free to adapt these to your own situation for endless entertainment.

Use smiley poop face emojis with care.

Results may vary.

***

They’re doing this new thing over at Top Mommy Blogs where you need to click on the button below and then click again to show you’re not a bot or something. If you can spare the time, I’d appreciate your vote.

Thank you.